The past week

So, I've been really scared to write lately. I've been scared that if I start, I won't be able to stop the words from flowing out of me and I don't necessarilly want all of my feelings to come out right now. Even though, I know, that's the point of a blog. It's been a really rough time this past week and a half. A good amount of people's lives were turned upside-down last week and it's been rough on everyone. On top of that, I've had 'boot camp' at dance for the past week for about 8 hours a day and that's been completely rough and hard on my body. However, that's been a blessing in disguise because it kept me from staying home moping and thinking about what's happened..which is never good. The past week and a half has probably been the hardest in my life; physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've been trying to be selfless and think of the people who are truly suffering in this situation instead of thinking of my own needs and hurts but it's just so hard. I can't stop thinking about how much life is going to change for me. I've completely lost my best friend and mentor, my life at church is going to be dramatically different and I'm not sure what it's going to look like, and on top of this...I can't tell a soul. I have to go around putting a front on and faking it to make it look like I'm happy and great when in reality, I just want to scream and cry. This, however, has made me think and maybe that's a blessing in disguise as well. While I long to go to my best friend and pour my heart out and tell her what's happening, I can't and I think God works in weird ways and I think that he's put me in this situation of keeping a secret so that I'll talk to Him more and rely on him for my much-needed advice and love and comfort. Two people that I go to about EVERYTHING are involved in the situation so I can't go to them. He wants to be the shoulder I cry on and He wants to be the one I go to with my problems and He wants to be the one I seek advice from. Even after realizing all of this, however, it's still hard to talk to someone who isn't tangible and visible. It's hard not to get an immediate response. I'm trying my hardest to see the silver lining in this situation and this is, so far, what I've come up with. Again, it's selfish and it's all about me and my relationship with God but still, that's something good that has come out of this. Other than that...there's nothing. I see nothing good coming from this and I'm probably totally wrong and something amazing is going to happen from this and God works miracles but, I just don't see it since I'm right in the middle of it all. I truly hope things get better. I do. I hope things change for the best. I know things can't go back to the way they were...as hard as it is to accept, but I hope this change is for the best, even if we can't see it right now. Like I said, God works in mysterious ways.


Listening to: Shattered-O.A.R.