Green with envy

So I think it's safe to admit that I'm pretty jealous. I guess this has been welling up inside me for a while now but it really just hit me. I'm incredible jealous. I'm a jealous person. That's just who I am and I hate myself for it. I wanna be able to just be happy with my own life and what I have and what I'm 'blessed' with. I was in the car today while one of my best friends, Sara, was talking about her new drama with her current boyfriend, who, might I add, just so happens to be my ex...but we won't go there. So we're driving and she said something about someone named Molly. Someone else in the car says, "Who's Molly?" and Sara says, "My best friend". Now, like I said, I'm a jealous person. So this, even though I've heard it millions of times before (and it's affected me the same way every time) just felt like a bullet went through my heart. To just hear her talk about her 'best friend' and not be referring to me, hurts. She does call me 'best friend' sometimes but, I don't know. It's just hard. So I come home and immediately get on blogger to see if there are any updates from Katie about Abel. Katie had a new blog and some comments that went along with it and one of the comments was from my sister, Lindsay. Lindsay was talking about how much she loves her and how she loves being with Katie and Abel. This really made me break down. I'm so jealous of so many things-one of the biggest being the love shared between two people. I'm jealous of the best friend love between Katie and Elle. I'm jealous of the brotherly love between Jon and Chris. I'm jealous of the love that Jon and Elle share as husband and wife and I know I'm 17 and I shouldn't be feeling this but I am. I mean, who's going to have that kind of love that is shared between a married couple at 17? But I want that kind of love in my life. I'm also incredibly jealous of the love between God and all of these people I've mentioned above. I have a relationship with God, sure, but I don't participate in it. I don't feel that kind of love they do. It's just tough because I'm the kind of person who needs to feel loved. Even if I know the love exists there, it doesn't mean much to me if I don't feel it from the other person, whether it's my sister or brother or parents or my best friend. I feel like I have to be shown love everday from people for me to think it's real. I know in my head that it's real and there, I just don't feel it there in my heart. It's just frustrating when wherever I turn, I see unconditional love between people and all I know is that that's what I want. Maybe it's me. Maybe I suck at loving. I'm just a horrible 'lover'. But anways, those are just the thoughts running through my head and they've kinda gotten me depressed so I decided to write, or type, them down.



Listening to: keys being punched on my keyboard. :/

I guess opposites really do attract.

So here I am, just staring at a blank screen. I have no clue what to write but I want to blog because

A of all, I haven't in forever

B of all, no one else is and I'm gettng bored with blogger. :D

SO, I guess I'll just ramble.

So I was just on the phone with Maegan, who I've been best friends with since like the first grade (well technically longer than that...but we won't go there) and I realized something-our personalities are as different as an apple and a potato (lame metaphor but whatever). I mean, I'm the introverted one who has 2 or 3 people I can tell anything to, I don't have too many friends at school, I'm not very fashion-oriented (I wear a t-shirt and jeans almost everyday), I'm not involved much in school, I do homework when I feel like it and look at deadlines and laugh. Now, Maegan, if you don't know her, is the COMPLETE opposite. She is the one who plans any and EVERY school event, she's friends with EVERYONE in school, she is always wearing a cute outfit, and she's doing great in school. Can you say....opposition to the max?? Ha. Well, then I realized how exactly alike we are as well. When we are together, we can do anything and have fun. You give us a disc of Grey's Anatomy or Friends, a pint of moosetracks, and we are in heaven. As different as we are and as lame as this sounds, I really do think we complete each other. I mean, she brings out the party girl in me (in a good way) and I bring out...well I don't know what I bring out in her. So, she completes me...not sure how I complete her..but we do. I mean, who could live 200 miles away from eachother and still stay best friends???? There has to be a really strong bond there to do that. Right?? Well, that's how I see it. It's just kinda weird.I mean, I start to think "what's keeping Maegan from dropping me like everyone else does and getting a new best friend?" or "why does she even want to be my friend? We are so different, why does she hang out with me?" I mean, I'm so insecure I guess because these are literally the thoughts running through my head sometimes. Like, when I visited her at her school one weekend, she was like bossing everyone around and she had authority and people loved her. Why was she, the amazing one, friends with me, the loser in teh school? Ha. I don't want to sound like I'm having a pitty party but I just feel this way sometimes. I just wish I was more secure in myself that I didn't have to think like this. Or maybe, it's because it has happened so many times already. Ugh. Who knows.

SO this blog was supposed to be a rambling one and it turned out being me complaining and having a pitty party. WOO HOO....

That was my random Tuesday blog. :D

Listening to: Metro Station, Joshua Radin, Secondhand Serenade....yeah.

feeling out of place

Why is it so hard to just feel normal around everyone? Why is there always that one group (or maybe there are multiple groups) that always make you feel uncomfortable or like you just can't be yourself. Yet, when we feel this way, we just put on a front and act like everything is just perfectly normal. I find myself feeling this way with the group of girls I dance with. This is so ironic because I've grown up dancing with these girls for years. I just feel so different around them and I feel like they're constantly judging me. This is the worst feeling in the world-to feel judged. I could be paranoid and maybe they aren't judging me. I just feel like all their eyes are on me when I'm around and they are all thinking, "Why is she here? She doesn't fit in. Why isn't she pretty like us or dress like us?" I know these girls and they are all so sweet and I'd love to think that none of them would ever think like this. However, there's a small part of me, that part that makes me feel uncomfortable around them, that makes me think they are constantly talking about how different I am. This is so hard because I want to be friends with them and I want to be included. Everyone wants that. I just feel that I'm not and I find it hard to try and be a part of the group or do things like sleepovers or parties because I don't feel like I fit in. Everyone seems to have made their exclusive group of friends before I became a part of the picture so I have one group of people I can hang out with and I don't even feel totally comfortable around them. I just feel like I can't fit in with these people.

Listening to: Josh Baldwin

What a little brat

I really just read back over my last blog and I feel like a spoiled brat. Who asks to be raised in a home where the parents have no morals?? I mean, really? What I was trying to say wasn't supposed to come off as me complaining about my home. I don't know what got in to me. So, I want everyone to know: I'm not the spoiled brat that blog made me seem to be. I guess I'm just a confused 17 year old who has no clue about her life. GO FIGURE! So yeah, just some clarification. :D



Listening to: The hum of the computer...It's a great album, check it out!!!



And for all of you who didn't get it, that was a joke...there is no album called 'the hum of the computer. Again, just some clarification. ;)

The sheltered life

I've recently learned that growing up in a sheltered home could yield good benefits and horrible consequences as well. These horrible consequences consist of awkwardly embarrassing moments when someone asks you a question about something that your sheltered, innocent mind has no idea what it is. Next thing you know, you answer with a scrambled sentence of words that don't make sense and you're being laughed at. It's a horrible feeling and being raised in a home where we never missed a Sunday school class, I definitely went through these awkward moments when you realize that you are different and you all of a sudden become obsessed with growing up and becoming more knowledgeable about things your parents would be shocked to hear you thinking about. And unfortunately, out of all the kids living in our house, it was the worst for me because I was the oldest kid living in the house and had no one to teach me the slang and the 'dirty' words and what everything meant. The rebelious side of me actually sometimes hates that I grew up in a sheltered home. I love my family and my parents are doing an amazing job raising 4 kids and a new grandchild. I just sometimes wished that I wasn't so sheltered. I've had morals and guidelines imprinted in my head for so long and now, those morals are being challenged. The things I've grown up learning-smoking kills, drinking is bad, don't have sex until you're married-these ideas are now being challenged on a weekly basis. It's hard not to give in to the pressure when your best friend starts smoking or when everyone around you is having sex and blowing it off like it's not a big deal. Or maybe when someone starts to tell stories about when they got hammered over the weekend and wound up running from the cops and it was 'one of the funnest times of my life'. It's hard to want to keep your morals safe and not want to compromise them. This has become one of the greatest struggles in my life. I always thought that I could be strong and not ever give into any temptation. I always knew that I would just turn the other way and 'just say no'. However, that gets harder and harder to do every day. The only thing keeping me from doing it is knowing that the guilt and shame will overtake me. I know that I'll breakdown and feel so guilty. This is the worst part about growing up sheltered. It just sucks when all of your cousins that are your age are bragging about doing the same things that I've been trained never to do. It makes me think, 'why did I have to be the one who grew up in the sheltered home? Why couldn't I have been the one that was raised to not care?'. Out of all of my family, I can safely and accurately say that my family is the only one that was raised differently. Therefore, we are different from the rest. I hate feeling this way. It's my rebelious side starting to seep out to show it's ugly face. I feel bad because I want to experiance the 'bad' side. I want to just live for a day without regret and without the feeling of guilt nagging at me. I just want to be 'bad' for a day. Just so that I know what it's like. I'm curious. And like they say, "curiosity killed the cat". It's hard for me to be strong anymore. I becoming weaker day by day and I hate it. I wish I was strong enough to hold up. I wish I was strong enough to just be able to fight back.


Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie

Okay so this is new for me

So this is definitely something that is bringing me out of my comfort zone. When it comes to writing things down, I always write down everything-everything I feel, everything I think, and everything I do. When I'm writing, it seems to all pour out, unlike when I'm talking to someone and I can just skip over the parts I'm too embarrassed to admit or too ashamed to tell. The problem is, when I'm writing, it's normally in a journal that I don't expect anyone, except the future me, to read. This however, is being strewn across the entire cyberspace network leaving people to do with it what they want-judge, criticize..whatever-and that's the part I'm uncomfortable with. I feel exposed. This is something that I'll try to get over as I post because evidently I have too many emotions for a 17 year old and I need to post. I've kept up with everyone's recent posts but never imagined myself blogging and exposing myself. But here I am. Ready to let loose and let the thoughts pour out. I'm not sure how insightful or frequent these posts may be but I promise to try. And that's what I'm doing...



Trying.



Listening to: Lostprophets-rooftops