I am damaged at best

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting
though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best,
like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning
you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded,
I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart,
I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathingwith a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I feel like some things are changing for the better. I don't know, maybe I'm just optimistic and desperately looking for any signs of reconciliation but it seems like, for the things that have been broken, the light at the end of the tunnel, even though small and off in the distance, is finally visible. That's good. However, in other areas of my life, things are getting harder. For instance, it's harder for me to feel confident of myself and feel good about myself anymore. Both of my best friends have boyfriends they are seriously committed to. Not only is this bringing down my self-confidence but I feel like these guys are seriously stealing them away from me. I know I'm the only one who sees it this way because I'm always the only one who sees things this way. However, I can't push the feeling from my head. It just seems that once one group of things start to fix itself, something else always has to go wrong. It just doesn't seem I can be completely happy anymore. I'm probably overreacting just like I always am and I'm making this all about me and why am I not just happy for my friends? The truth is, I am. I'm so happy for them because they are happy. I think I'm just jealous in different ways. First, I'm jealous of their boyfriend for getting so much of their attention. Second, I'm jealous that they have something that I can't seem to find. I'm not afraid to admit I'm jealous. I know I'm a jealous person and anyone can back me up on that. I'm not proud of it and I don't like it at all. But that's how I am. It's something I'm trying to work on but it's hard to overcome such great emotions. I just wish that I could find someone else in my life that I could be so committed to because it used to be these two best friends but when they became fully commited to someone else, it just left me in the dust. It's a horrible feeling and it's been gnawing at me for the longest time. It's like I'm completely dependent on them to live and I hate that. I just wish I could have what they do. I wish I could be happy about everything. I wish I was my own person.

A changed life

So, I haven't written in a while and that is for many different reasons. However, it hasn't been good that I've been away from writing for so long because now, all of my feelings are staying inside and it's harder for me to voice them and my head gets sooo clogged and it's been getting hard to focus. But, tonight, something was said to me that really hit me deep. I was doing a ballet combination and my teacher was saying that there were some of us that really know we're going to fail before we start so we just give up before we ever start....she called me out for doing that. I really started to think about it too. It actually made me tear up. It really upset me. I realized that I did that in so many things in life, especially in dance. I go into things with the mentality that I'm going to fail at it and so I just give up before I even try. The more I thought about it, the more I thought of an excuse for me doing this: Giving up before trying is easier than trying and then failing. I'm crushed when I give something my all and it doesn't work out and I'm a huge failure. I really think that this is the reason why my life and my grades and my dancing is all just mediocre. I'm not above average in the least and it's because I don't push myself because I'm afraid that if I do and I fail, the failure will be ten times worse than if I were to just give up in the first place. The more I started to think about all of this, the more hurt I was and the more tears I was crying. I really couldn't believe it. What kind of person does that? Me. A mediocre person. An average person that isn't growing in any aspect in her life. So why did this hit so hard and hurt so bad? I think it's because I realized that I actually can become something. I might be able to actually be good at something or get better at something or grow in some aspects of my life. Hopefully it's not too late. Hopefully, I'll be able to make a full recovery from this and I will be able to turn my life around. Susan Dabney, you may have just changed my life forever.

The past week

So, I've been really scared to write lately. I've been scared that if I start, I won't be able to stop the words from flowing out of me and I don't necessarilly want all of my feelings to come out right now. Even though, I know, that's the point of a blog. It's been a really rough time this past week and a half. A good amount of people's lives were turned upside-down last week and it's been rough on everyone. On top of that, I've had 'boot camp' at dance for the past week for about 8 hours a day and that's been completely rough and hard on my body. However, that's been a blessing in disguise because it kept me from staying home moping and thinking about what's happened..which is never good. The past week and a half has probably been the hardest in my life; physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've been trying to be selfless and think of the people who are truly suffering in this situation instead of thinking of my own needs and hurts but it's just so hard. I can't stop thinking about how much life is going to change for me. I've completely lost my best friend and mentor, my life at church is going to be dramatically different and I'm not sure what it's going to look like, and on top of this...I can't tell a soul. I have to go around putting a front on and faking it to make it look like I'm happy and great when in reality, I just want to scream and cry. This, however, has made me think and maybe that's a blessing in disguise as well. While I long to go to my best friend and pour my heart out and tell her what's happening, I can't and I think God works in weird ways and I think that he's put me in this situation of keeping a secret so that I'll talk to Him more and rely on him for my much-needed advice and love and comfort. Two people that I go to about EVERYTHING are involved in the situation so I can't go to them. He wants to be the shoulder I cry on and He wants to be the one I go to with my problems and He wants to be the one I seek advice from. Even after realizing all of this, however, it's still hard to talk to someone who isn't tangible and visible. It's hard not to get an immediate response. I'm trying my hardest to see the silver lining in this situation and this is, so far, what I've come up with. Again, it's selfish and it's all about me and my relationship with God but still, that's something good that has come out of this. Other than that...there's nothing. I see nothing good coming from this and I'm probably totally wrong and something amazing is going to happen from this and God works miracles but, I just don't see it since I'm right in the middle of it all. I truly hope things get better. I do. I hope things change for the best. I know things can't go back to the way they were...as hard as it is to accept, but I hope this change is for the best, even if we can't see it right now. Like I said, God works in mysterious ways.


Listening to: Shattered-O.A.R.

Music is Life

Turn on that radio
As loud as it can go
Wanna dance until my feet can't feel the ground (feel the ground)
Say goodbye to all my fears
One good song may disappear
And nothing in the world can bring me down (bring me down)

Hand clapping
Hip shaking
Heartbreaking
There's no faking
What you feel when your riding home
Yeah, yeah

Music's in my soul
I can hear it everyday, everynight
It's the one thing on my mind
Music's got control
And I'm never letting go, no no
I just want to play my music
Whoa (music)

Got my six string on my back
Don't need anything but that
Everything I want is here with me (here with me)
So forget that fancy car
I don't need to go that far
What's driving me is following my dreams, yeah

Hand clapping
Earth shaking
Heartbreaking
There's no faking
What you feel when your on a roll
Yeah, yeah

Music's in my soul
I can hear it everyday, everynight
It's the one thing on my mind
Music's got control
And I'm never letting go, no no
I just wanna play my music
I just wanna play my music

Can't imagine what it'd be like
Without the sound of all my hero's singing all my favorite songs
So I can sing along

Music's in my soul
I can hear it everyday, everynight
It's the one thing on my mind
Music's got control
And I'm never letting go, no no
I just wanna play my music
Music's in my soul
I can hear it everyday, everynight
It's the one thing on my mind
Music's got control
And I'm never letting go, no no
I just wanna play my music
All night long



I've grown up dancing in a studio that choreographed to all kinds of music. I grew up listening to thousands of genres and varieties of music and I guess that's why I love all kinds of music. I really do have a huge variety of music on my iPod and even more that I've listened to recently and have fallen in love with. Music is a huge part of my life. I love listening to music. I love to find new artists that I love and I love to hear new songs and I used to spend hours at a time on Limewire just downloading music. My world really does revolve around music. I only wish I could do something with that love. I played the clarinet back in 6th grade band and haven't played an instrument since. That's the closest I got to getting involved in music other than just listening to it. So, as of right now, I don't play any instruments and I couldn't carry a tune in a freakin bucket. I wish that just listening to music was enough for me. I wish that I could just be content with that. But it's not enough. I want to be so much more involved in music. Everyone has told me to pour your heart into what you love the most or to get a career doing what you love. You can't get a career just listening to music. Life doesn't work that way. And it's hard to pour your heart into just listening to music. That's why I wish I could do something more with music. I've always wanted to learn how to play an instrument. I've been in love with the drums forever but I've never learned how to play them. I picked up a guitar and tried to learn to play when my brother was learning and that just didn't work out. I wish I could just be more involved with music. I love it so deeply but I can't go farther in my 'relationship' with music. I don't know how to respond to these feelings but it sucks that it doesn't seem I can do much more. I know that the 3 or 4 (if even that many) of you who read my blog know that my brother-in-law is super talented in music. He definitely has a heart for music and you can see that when he plays the keyboard or the base or guitar...I can tell that he passionately loves music. I dare to say that I love music just about as much as he does. When I'm with him in the car, I'm constantly asking about the artist or name of the song that's playing because it always seems that I like alot of the same music he does. However, he's lucky in that he gets to take his love of music to another level. He gets to go play around on the piano or guitar when he gets bored and just make up whatever he wants and it will sound good, because he has that natural talent to just play music. I love him for that but I'm also so envious. Ha. I just read back over this blog and realized how corny it is. I'm just rambling about music and how much I love it and I know that none of you really care. But, it always just feels good to get out these overwhelming feelings even if no one reads them.

P.S. I think I've found out what I want to do for my tattoo. I'm not sure how I'm going to place it but I know the words I want!!!

Listening to: Camp Rock-Music's in my soul. :D

Summer fun

So I'm not quite sure yet what this blog is going to be about. However, I do want it to be a happy one. All of my blogs seem to be horribly depressing and just big pity parties. So I guess, I'll write about the good things going on in life right now. Well, I just got back from being a leader at a Student Life for Kids camp and if none of you have gone, it is absolutely amazing. I loved it when I was a kid and I love it now being a leader. I loved being in an environment with no temptation and no worries or stress. The kids were great and I loved forming that bond with them. So that was an amazing experience and I will definitely will be doing it for summers to come. As long as Bob lets me go...I'm there. He's already recruited me for next year. :D Also, it's summer. Summer really is the best time of year and not because we don't have school or whatever but because we just get to chill out and do all of those crazy things we wanted to do during the year. Summer means having fun with kids and having fun at the lake or beach (which, might I add, I have yet to see...) and just hanging out. There's never any drama in the summer because everyone is just in such a good mood. I love having days where we just hang out at the pool with 20 people or when we are chillin on the boat with our close friends and family. That's another thing I love about summer: family reunion. I know most people dread their family reunions but I couldn't love anything more. I love getting to see the family that lives hundreds of miles away. I love being on the beach everyday and not having a care in the world. I also love having my wonderful baby niece over at my house every tuesday. Especially yesterday when she literally, never fussed once. I think her nickname 'fuss bucket' might need to be retired. I love love love the fact that Lindsay and Jon live within 100 yards away and I get to see them and Sae whenever. And I really love that my mentor and best friend also lives not 100 yards away along with her 3 beautiful kids and awesome husband. I feel so lucky to have so much joy in my life right now. It's really taken a lot for me to truly see how fortunate I am and how great my life really is. Also, a little update for whoever has been keeping up or at least read my last blog...my best friend is doing great. She's out of the hospital and she feels better than ever. She's working everything out and it really makes me happy to see her so happy. I know God is working in great ways in my life and in the lives of everyone around me. I'm so excited to see what the rest of the summer is going to look like. I'm also really excited to get deeper into my relationship with Christ. I have definitley made some changes in my life and their for the best. I'm excited to see where my life is taking me.

So, I don't really know where to start this blog at. Do I start with saying that I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now? Or do I start by saying that I wouldn't ever think that my best friend would want to commit suicide...Yeah. That's right. My best friend for almost two years contemplated suicide about a week and a half ago. When I heard this, my heart raced and I wanted to break down and cry. What would I do without this girl?? She's been apart of my life for so long and yeah, we've had our ups and downs but, I would do anything for her. And now she wants to end her life??? So, my morning has been fairly overwhelming. I called her this morning after realizing that she called me earlier. It sounded like she was very upset. And she started by saying "Katelyn, I tried killing myself a week ago." Like I said, my heart dropped. So she told me she wanted me to go with her to the doctor in an hour. So I went. Just like any good friend would do. I went, knowing it would be uncomfortable and hard to bear. When they picked me up (her and her mom) I got in and she seemed fine. We finally got into the doctors office and she was not wanting to talk so her mom did all the talking. She said that she had contemplated about a week and a half ago and the doctor asked her what her plan was. She didnt want to answer but she said that she wouldnt feel any more comfortable if me and her mom left so she just went ahead and said "I was going to stab myself." My breath caught and I couldn't think. Her mom followed her up by saying, the only thing keeping her from doing it was her little brother, who is 15. I'm really close to her little brother and this made me breakdown. I couldn't handle it. I was crying and so was her and her mom. The entire time I was with her, I didn't say too much. I didn't know what to say or what to do to comfort her. I wanted her to know that I was there for her and that I wouldn't ever judge her or think less of her and that I loved her. But for some reason, I couldn't convey those feelings. I didn't know how. I just wanted to hug her and tell her that it'd be alright but how could I if I'd never been through it before? I just feel like a horrible let down and a terrible friend. I have no idea what to say or what to do to make her feel better. I just need ya'lls prayers: for me and for her and her family. I know we could all use all the help we could get. I just love her too much to let anything happen to her.

Listening to: Coldplay

Green with envy

So I think it's safe to admit that I'm pretty jealous. I guess this has been welling up inside me for a while now but it really just hit me. I'm incredible jealous. I'm a jealous person. That's just who I am and I hate myself for it. I wanna be able to just be happy with my own life and what I have and what I'm 'blessed' with. I was in the car today while one of my best friends, Sara, was talking about her new drama with her current boyfriend, who, might I add, just so happens to be my ex...but we won't go there. So we're driving and she said something about someone named Molly. Someone else in the car says, "Who's Molly?" and Sara says, "My best friend". Now, like I said, I'm a jealous person. So this, even though I've heard it millions of times before (and it's affected me the same way every time) just felt like a bullet went through my heart. To just hear her talk about her 'best friend' and not be referring to me, hurts. She does call me 'best friend' sometimes but, I don't know. It's just hard. So I come home and immediately get on blogger to see if there are any updates from Katie about Abel. Katie had a new blog and some comments that went along with it and one of the comments was from my sister, Lindsay. Lindsay was talking about how much she loves her and how she loves being with Katie and Abel. This really made me break down. I'm so jealous of so many things-one of the biggest being the love shared between two people. I'm jealous of the best friend love between Katie and Elle. I'm jealous of the brotherly love between Jon and Chris. I'm jealous of the love that Jon and Elle share as husband and wife and I know I'm 17 and I shouldn't be feeling this but I am. I mean, who's going to have that kind of love that is shared between a married couple at 17? But I want that kind of love in my life. I'm also incredibly jealous of the love between God and all of these people I've mentioned above. I have a relationship with God, sure, but I don't participate in it. I don't feel that kind of love they do. It's just tough because I'm the kind of person who needs to feel loved. Even if I know the love exists there, it doesn't mean much to me if I don't feel it from the other person, whether it's my sister or brother or parents or my best friend. I feel like I have to be shown love everday from people for me to think it's real. I know in my head that it's real and there, I just don't feel it there in my heart. It's just frustrating when wherever I turn, I see unconditional love between people and all I know is that that's what I want. Maybe it's me. Maybe I suck at loving. I'm just a horrible 'lover'. But anways, those are just the thoughts running through my head and they've kinda gotten me depressed so I decided to write, or type, them down.



Listening to: keys being punched on my keyboard. :/

I guess opposites really do attract.

So here I am, just staring at a blank screen. I have no clue what to write but I want to blog because

A of all, I haven't in forever

B of all, no one else is and I'm gettng bored with blogger. :D

SO, I guess I'll just ramble.

So I was just on the phone with Maegan, who I've been best friends with since like the first grade (well technically longer than that...but we won't go there) and I realized something-our personalities are as different as an apple and a potato (lame metaphor but whatever). I mean, I'm the introverted one who has 2 or 3 people I can tell anything to, I don't have too many friends at school, I'm not very fashion-oriented (I wear a t-shirt and jeans almost everyday), I'm not involved much in school, I do homework when I feel like it and look at deadlines and laugh. Now, Maegan, if you don't know her, is the COMPLETE opposite. She is the one who plans any and EVERY school event, she's friends with EVERYONE in school, she is always wearing a cute outfit, and she's doing great in school. Can you say....opposition to the max?? Ha. Well, then I realized how exactly alike we are as well. When we are together, we can do anything and have fun. You give us a disc of Grey's Anatomy or Friends, a pint of moosetracks, and we are in heaven. As different as we are and as lame as this sounds, I really do think we complete each other. I mean, she brings out the party girl in me (in a good way) and I bring out...well I don't know what I bring out in her. So, she completes me...not sure how I complete her..but we do. I mean, who could live 200 miles away from eachother and still stay best friends???? There has to be a really strong bond there to do that. Right?? Well, that's how I see it. It's just kinda weird.I mean, I start to think "what's keeping Maegan from dropping me like everyone else does and getting a new best friend?" or "why does she even want to be my friend? We are so different, why does she hang out with me?" I mean, I'm so insecure I guess because these are literally the thoughts running through my head sometimes. Like, when I visited her at her school one weekend, she was like bossing everyone around and she had authority and people loved her. Why was she, the amazing one, friends with me, the loser in teh school? Ha. I don't want to sound like I'm having a pitty party but I just feel this way sometimes. I just wish I was more secure in myself that I didn't have to think like this. Or maybe, it's because it has happened so many times already. Ugh. Who knows.

SO this blog was supposed to be a rambling one and it turned out being me complaining and having a pitty party. WOO HOO....

That was my random Tuesday blog. :D

Listening to: Metro Station, Joshua Radin, Secondhand Serenade....yeah.

feeling out of place

Why is it so hard to just feel normal around everyone? Why is there always that one group (or maybe there are multiple groups) that always make you feel uncomfortable or like you just can't be yourself. Yet, when we feel this way, we just put on a front and act like everything is just perfectly normal. I find myself feeling this way with the group of girls I dance with. This is so ironic because I've grown up dancing with these girls for years. I just feel so different around them and I feel like they're constantly judging me. This is the worst feeling in the world-to feel judged. I could be paranoid and maybe they aren't judging me. I just feel like all their eyes are on me when I'm around and they are all thinking, "Why is she here? She doesn't fit in. Why isn't she pretty like us or dress like us?" I know these girls and they are all so sweet and I'd love to think that none of them would ever think like this. However, there's a small part of me, that part that makes me feel uncomfortable around them, that makes me think they are constantly talking about how different I am. This is so hard because I want to be friends with them and I want to be included. Everyone wants that. I just feel that I'm not and I find it hard to try and be a part of the group or do things like sleepovers or parties because I don't feel like I fit in. Everyone seems to have made their exclusive group of friends before I became a part of the picture so I have one group of people I can hang out with and I don't even feel totally comfortable around them. I just feel like I can't fit in with these people.

Listening to: Josh Baldwin

What a little brat

I really just read back over my last blog and I feel like a spoiled brat. Who asks to be raised in a home where the parents have no morals?? I mean, really? What I was trying to say wasn't supposed to come off as me complaining about my home. I don't know what got in to me. So, I want everyone to know: I'm not the spoiled brat that blog made me seem to be. I guess I'm just a confused 17 year old who has no clue about her life. GO FIGURE! So yeah, just some clarification. :D



Listening to: The hum of the computer...It's a great album, check it out!!!



And for all of you who didn't get it, that was a joke...there is no album called 'the hum of the computer. Again, just some clarification. ;)

The sheltered life

I've recently learned that growing up in a sheltered home could yield good benefits and horrible consequences as well. These horrible consequences consist of awkwardly embarrassing moments when someone asks you a question about something that your sheltered, innocent mind has no idea what it is. Next thing you know, you answer with a scrambled sentence of words that don't make sense and you're being laughed at. It's a horrible feeling and being raised in a home where we never missed a Sunday school class, I definitely went through these awkward moments when you realize that you are different and you all of a sudden become obsessed with growing up and becoming more knowledgeable about things your parents would be shocked to hear you thinking about. And unfortunately, out of all the kids living in our house, it was the worst for me because I was the oldest kid living in the house and had no one to teach me the slang and the 'dirty' words and what everything meant. The rebelious side of me actually sometimes hates that I grew up in a sheltered home. I love my family and my parents are doing an amazing job raising 4 kids and a new grandchild. I just sometimes wished that I wasn't so sheltered. I've had morals and guidelines imprinted in my head for so long and now, those morals are being challenged. The things I've grown up learning-smoking kills, drinking is bad, don't have sex until you're married-these ideas are now being challenged on a weekly basis. It's hard not to give in to the pressure when your best friend starts smoking or when everyone around you is having sex and blowing it off like it's not a big deal. Or maybe when someone starts to tell stories about when they got hammered over the weekend and wound up running from the cops and it was 'one of the funnest times of my life'. It's hard to want to keep your morals safe and not want to compromise them. This has become one of the greatest struggles in my life. I always thought that I could be strong and not ever give into any temptation. I always knew that I would just turn the other way and 'just say no'. However, that gets harder and harder to do every day. The only thing keeping me from doing it is knowing that the guilt and shame will overtake me. I know that I'll breakdown and feel so guilty. This is the worst part about growing up sheltered. It just sucks when all of your cousins that are your age are bragging about doing the same things that I've been trained never to do. It makes me think, 'why did I have to be the one who grew up in the sheltered home? Why couldn't I have been the one that was raised to not care?'. Out of all of my family, I can safely and accurately say that my family is the only one that was raised differently. Therefore, we are different from the rest. I hate feeling this way. It's my rebelious side starting to seep out to show it's ugly face. I feel bad because I want to experiance the 'bad' side. I want to just live for a day without regret and without the feeling of guilt nagging at me. I just want to be 'bad' for a day. Just so that I know what it's like. I'm curious. And like they say, "curiosity killed the cat". It's hard for me to be strong anymore. I becoming weaker day by day and I hate it. I wish I was strong enough to hold up. I wish I was strong enough to just be able to fight back.


Listening to: Death Cab For Cutie

Okay so this is new for me

So this is definitely something that is bringing me out of my comfort zone. When it comes to writing things down, I always write down everything-everything I feel, everything I think, and everything I do. When I'm writing, it seems to all pour out, unlike when I'm talking to someone and I can just skip over the parts I'm too embarrassed to admit or too ashamed to tell. The problem is, when I'm writing, it's normally in a journal that I don't expect anyone, except the future me, to read. This however, is being strewn across the entire cyberspace network leaving people to do with it what they want-judge, criticize..whatever-and that's the part I'm uncomfortable with. I feel exposed. This is something that I'll try to get over as I post because evidently I have too many emotions for a 17 year old and I need to post. I've kept up with everyone's recent posts but never imagined myself blogging and exposing myself. But here I am. Ready to let loose and let the thoughts pour out. I'm not sure how insightful or frequent these posts may be but I promise to try. And that's what I'm doing...



Trying.



Listening to: Lostprophets-rooftops